Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Day 6 of 40

So I haven't given most of my blog readers a hint of what I am doing for Lent. If you know me personally or you are my Facebook friend I am pretty sure you know by now. I still don't want to give you too much of a hint because I plan to do a pretty big blog about it next week. But there is this journal that you can do along with your 40 days and it's been so inspirational. Well today's brought me to tears. You could say it's a  lack of mental stability right now, but I think it's really because it spoke deep to my heart. I have often said to my husband and mentioned this in a blog once "Let's just move to a remote village!" Well here is the devotional from today:

"Would you rather your children grow up in Uganda or America?"

That was one of the questions a man named John asked at a dinner with a variety of students in leadership positions in their colleges while visiting Uganda. A Ugandan man; a father, a pastor, and community leader; answered without hesitation.


Some of the people at the table appeared to be shocked.

"But America," John replied, "It's the land of opportunity. It's safe. You can get medical attention. At least three meals a day. And clean water."

"Exactly," the Ugandan man said. "You know where your next meal is coming from. You have jobs. Paychecks. In Uganda, you may not know where your next meal comes from. You have little money. You have nothing to depend upon but God. And I would rather have my children rely on God more than I would want them to be distracted by everything else."

What are some things that clamor for our sense of stability? Jobs? Paychecks? Cars? Food in the fridge? All of those things.

These things aren't band in and of themselves, but they can distract us...maybe more often than not. Comfort is an illusion. We believe we have control when everything in our lives are going well. When something we depend on falls apart, it's easy for us to fall apart, too. Our illusion is shattered.

Where does my help come from?

I hope you read that all! Tears came down my face when I began to think of all I have that distracts me from trusting God. So I ask you a question and yes I want you to answer it the best you can. Leave a comment on my blog or leave a message on my facebook or you can email me myheartasamom@yahoo.com. So here is the question...

How are we distracted from our dependence on God? In a culture of over-abundance and luxury, how can we remedy this?

Monday, February 27, 2012

Relentless Act:s of Sacrifice: Week 1

This is a hard week for me. I can't begin to tell you how many things there are that surround me in my house that distract me. I have things up already that inspire me, but I am wanting to do more. So this week I am going on a purge. I am getting rid of all the clutter that surrounds me. I am going through all my stuff and deciding what I really need. And then...putting up more things that inspire me. What inspires me most? The Word of God! So in the place of all the clutter will be displayed more verses from the Bible! I am excited!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

My Worries...

I don't type out my health issues on here usually, but I have really been needing to write and so here it is. It's actually been a long and very frustrating road for me. I went from one doctor telling me there was nothing wrong to one telling me it might be acid reflex, to the next telling me I was crazy. So he didn't really tell me that I was crazy, but he basically did. About 2 years ago now just shortly after I had The Diva I went to the doctor because I could feel this lump in my throat. After he asked a few questions and an exam of my neck he came to the conclusion that it was my thyroid. It felt full and he wanted to get to the bottom of this right away. Well..he did the blood tests and an ultra sound of my thyroid. I went back after a week and he came in saying that nothing was wrong. Wait? Didn't you just tell me my thyroid was full? That means it's big right? So can I have an enlarged thyroid but nothing be wrong? Yes was his answer.

My husband and a few friends thought it would be a good idea to get a second opinion and so I did. Well...this guy was sure that it was all in my head. Sometimes you can have a lot of stress (I should have never told him I had 5 kids) you can feel like you have a lump in your throat. Well he did the blood test too and it all came back inconclusive. So he wanted me to retest in 6 months.

So here I am no one wants to believe me that I actually feel a lump in my throat. They ignore all my other symptoms and push them off on postpartum depression and stress. I lay awake at night because I can't fall asleep because I feel like I am being gagged all night long. Eating hasn't been very much fun because...well...I have a lump in my throat and it's gotten worse.

While I was pregnant I started having heart palpitations. It was like my heart was skipping a beat. My husband would like to think that it was him that caused this, but know honey that you do make my heart skip a beat...just not like this. There were times when it felt as if my heart was going to beat out of my chest because it was beating so fast. I couldn't make it to my OB when I felt like I needed to go in because of it so I went to a doctor in town. She figured it was the same thing...everyone comes to the conclusion that it's my thyroid. But because I was pregnant and pregnancy can cause thyroid issues that later go away they didn't want to do anything. This same doctor was the same one who later told me that it was acid reflex. Hmmmm...can you see the frustration going on in my life?

Well just a few weeks ago I went to the doctor for some issues I have been having since having The Baby. Nothing to do with my thyroid. I just wanted to get everything check out. Well...all of that is fine. Nothing to worry about. But I didn't say anything to her and she says "Has anyone checked your thyroid?" Oh boy! I did not want to deal with another doctor who thought there was a problem but then was going to end up not doing anything because the test came back inconclusive. So she said that she would help me for sure. So I went for more blood work and another ultrasound.

GUESS WHAT??? Well if you guessed nothing was wrong you are wrong! I have two cysts on my thyroid...2. When I first found out I was a bit excited because this meant that all along I was NOT crazy and I was right...I knew something wasn't right! But the longer I wait for the specialist to get back to me the more I have to wonder and worry about what they will need to do. Will they just treat it with medication or will they have to take it out? Most people I know who have had cysts have needed to have their thyroid removed. Then I think about all that may happen and then I try to remember to rest in God. Hopefully I will hear from the specialist soon.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Relentless Act:s of Sacrifice: Ash Wednesday

What does sacrifice mean? I have never done anything for Lent. It wasn't something we did in our church while I was growing up and I remember all my friends talking about what they were giving up for Lent. There was always a confused look on my face. I always thought it was kind of funny giving up all these little things like candy bars... especially when you don't eat a ton of them! For some reason this year I have been feeling like giving something up for lent...and did God ever give me a Goliath of one! (This one will actually be share in week two of my blogs on this)

I read something on Ann Voskamp's blog just today. I was still struggling with this whole idea and so many things have really made it clear that this is something I should do. She said:

"Okay...Lent. It's the preparing the heart for Easter. Like going with Jesus into the wilderness for forty days, that we might come face to ugly face with our enemy. Our sacrificing that we might become more like Christ in His sacrifice."

Now maybe that doesn't speak to you the same way it does to me right now, but let me tell you a little bit more about how this whole Lent thing came about...

Our family sponsors a little girl from World Vision. I love the organization and just learned they have a little section of they organization called act:s, The World Vision Activism Network. If you don't know anything about them check out World Vision here and check out the act:s website here! So this Lent they are having Relentless Act:s of Sacrifice...so as soon as I saw it I signed up! It was totally something that spoke to my heart, but when I got the first email that it was time to start thinking I thought...Forget it! I don't have time or energy right now for this...I can't do it. Sacrificing isn't about having the time or energy. It's not about it being easy. Sacrifice is hard and if it's not hard what's the point? So today after reading Ann's blog I said...OH YES! I am so doing this. 

Sacrificing for me is a time to remember what I really have. Remember what Christ did for me, that maybe on some small scale I can understand His sacrifice just a little bit better. It's about knowing what I have that others don't and giving up so that they might be able to have it. 

So here I am today drinking a Diet Mt. Dew while also sipping on a cup of coffee. Any guesses what the BIG sacrifice will be? Actually it's just a small part of my whole thing, but it's an important one. So here I go 6 weeks 6 challenges. Go God be the glory!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Don't Send Me HERE!

Lord give me it all or give me nothing at all. This was the topic of a recent conversation I had with my pastor. He was talking to me about a show he had seen and this guy was trekking into the back lands of Papua New Guinea. I was so interested in what he was talking about hearing about what this guy was doing and in the back of my head I could hear myself saying "Lord send me to some remote village in Papua New Guinea!" I told my pastor that I would LOVE to do something like that and he thought I was crazy. Honestly I don't think it's the first time he thought I was crazy I am sure in the many years he has known me there have been many times.

He talked on about how he loves the big cities. The business and the culture in a big city. As he was talking in the back of my head I could hear myself saying "Lord send me to the inner city of L.A.!" How strange is that? But I remember talking to him about it more saying either I want to be someplace where there is everything and there is so much going on or I want to be someplace where there is nothing. I can't stand the in-between. And yet here I am!

Some may find it funny that I consider my town of about 7,000 or more the in-between. But...I do! I never felt like God built me for this type of small town USA. Even when I was a little girl and I was growing up in a town of about 1,000 and spending most of my days in this town I still didn't feel like I felt in. My visions and my passion don't always seem to fit in here.

So who am I to say that God has not built me for this town? Isn't this where He has sent us for now? I feel God  pushing me and this place pushes back. God is continually stretching me and challenging me to do His work no matter where I am. No matter where He leads us. No matter what He asks us to do. It's not easy for me, but I keep on going and I keep on learning.

Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through Him who gives me strength

Saturday, February 11, 2012

My Heart...

This is my rewrite of a blog. My feelings are not so raw and I feel that my attitude now will better be able to get my point across...

I saw a mom's shoulders slump today. It was over the disconnection notice that was crumpled in-between the doors at her house. Her husband has left her with all the kids and she only has a part time job. I sat in my van for sometime and watched her read the paper and the tears welled up in my eyes. What can I do? On my own what can our family do? With all my might I wish I could have backed out of her driveway and driven down to the utilities office and paid that bill for her right away. But sadly we don't have the ability to do that. I have the $5 bill that she once gave me sitting in my pocket. She was kind enough to give it to me for gas money and now I can give it back to her. We could give her a 20, but that won't keep the city from turning off her lights. So it brings me to this thought...How are we being the Church that God commanded us to be?

Matthew 25:40  And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'

So as I think of this mother. She is criticized for digging into the government's pockets. But can we blame her? Can we blame anyone? Most people in the church hide in shame the fact that they are on government assistance. Sometimes I blame the prosperity gospel for this. But I most blame the fact that we no longer live like the church lived and should live. They lived as one. All they had belong to all of them. If someone was in need there was no questions asked...what they needed was given to them.

So how are we working as a church? I wish I felt more confident in the American church to stand up against the regular flow of the Western church. Why can't people send back their food stamp cards and say "No thank you...the church has already done this for us!"? It's because we haven't taken action. We aren't willing to do the work. We are willing to say "NO! This isn't right!".

I remember having a conversation once about saving. Is saving a Biblical thing to do? I remember seeing a video on why someone didn't save for retirement or for "OH NO!" situations. It was because there are people in need. It seemed like most people in the conversation were not certain if others would come to help them if they were in need. I remember when our van broke down it felt as if we were all on our own...Until someone reached out their hand and offered to help us. I wish we could have more confidence in the church. Have more confidence that we would come right along side each other at any moment in life and say "We are here!"

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Proverbs 31

Has anyone read Proverbs 31 and thought....How could I even begin to be like this woman?
She seems so perfect. She gets up early and does all her work with such energy. Most days I can barely make it out of bed when my children get up. I can't even imagine getting up before them and preparing food. But my heart desires to be a Proverbs 31 woman. For me...what does that look like.

I am excited to start studying this passage of scripture again and hope that it will be an encouragement to me and help me be a better wife and mother. Each thing I study will open up my heart more and more to what God has for me and my life.

Thursday, February 2, 2012


So I have been going on very little sleep and just really want to get out! Oh wait...I get to right now! My girls are all brushing their teeth and going potty and then off to bed...and this mom is going out with a friend. She is also the mother of The Emotionalist's "Favorite Boy". It's been a long over due time out and lovely conversation and I am so looking forward to it.

So a little update on my hair. I went to buy a box of hair dye (I can hear all the hair stylist screaming NO!) and my husband stopped me. It's not that he doesn't want me to color my hair, really he is just keeping me accountable to my commitment. He says he doesn't want me to dye my hair and then in a few months I am going to be complaining about how damaged it is and how I really need to get it cut. Hmmmm...can anyone say He knows me really well? That he does! As soon as he said it I knew that really dying my hair was just a way that I would be able to sneak in cutting my hair. Not something I want to do. So here I am a little less than a month into my hair challenge and I am already looking for ways to get out of it. 340 days to go! I am going to finish this!

Ok...so now that my children are all in bed. Yes I did take a break from writing to help them all get ready. Taking a break while writing is not always a good idea which is why I don't usually write during bedtime. So my kids are tucked in. We have given hugs, kisses and "knuckle" kisses (Which surprisingly has nothing to do with knuckles...if you are interested in knowing how to do these I will write that another time) and I am off!