I am sure you have all had these days, or weeks or perhaps even months. It's really just been a couple of days for me. I had completed some very crafty projects which I am so proud of, but them I just crashed. I am not really sure what it is, and sometimes it's so hard to put your finger on it all. Honestly it feels like a bit of the postpartum junk I had dealt with. It seems like it always happens like this for me. I feel the end of the dark tunnel is so near and then with it's grimy paws it grabs you by the ankle and pulls you back down.
But...at least I can some what pin point it. At least I am not trying to hide the fact that yes there are days that I don't feel like doing anything. There are days that I am not the strongest woman in the world. There are days I want to sit on my kitchen floor right in the corner where my cupboards come together...and cry. So often I remember seeing people in my life suffer with depression and I remember time after time hearing things like..."We Christians shouldn't struggle like this." "Depression means you have given Satan a foothold in your life." "You need to go through your house and make sure you don't have anything 'evil' that would be causing this to happen." I have seen the struggle that those words have brought to the ones close to me. I have seen them try to hide it like they are a little child with a piece of candy they know they shouldn't have.
You know what I am determined? We are all the same. God made us as people. We hurt, we cry, we laugh and sometimes being on your kitchen floor crying is what brings you comfort...Because that is where you feel closest to God. We need to be more open about our feelings. We need to let people know that we feel those same feelings that they do. It doesn't matter who you are, what religion you follow or who raised you. We all have our down times. Some more than others.
So I want to be honest with people. I don't want to walk around with a mask on my face pretending that the only feelings I ever feel are happy ones.
I was watching my girls last night at AWANAs. It was such a joy! The Inquisitor finished her second book and is determined to finish her third before the year ends. The Emotionalist was so proud of herself because she said all the books of the Old Testament and got a jewel. Oh how I remember those days that I would go to Sonlight and memorize verses. I LOVED it. I still know lots of the verses I had learned. My days of trying to do that have passed away.
But I was challenged yesterday because we use to sit and memorize with our children and once they started AWANAs we stopped. Why??? Those were such wonderful times we had and my children still know John 1 by heart! Me I am slacking a bit on that one! Ann Voskamp over at A Holy Experience had a wonderful blog yesterday about memorizing portions of the Bible. I can't even begin to say it with the same grace she did. But I am making myself the little booklet and starting on my own journey of memorizing the Bible.
I thought yesterday as I was trying to figure out why I was feeling so gloomy, why haven't I been reading my Bible? It seems like in my down times I rarely pick it up. Aren't these the times thought that I need His word the most? It's in times like these that His words lift me up.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.