Is it THAT Difficult?

That's what I have been asking myself these past two weeks. I can really describe exactly what I am feeling. But my emotions are on an extreme path right now. I know that it's pretty normal after you have a baby, but this is a bit more than normal. I am happy one moment, crying the next and then angry minutes after that. The only other time I remember feeling like this was after our oldest was born. But the circumstances seemed different then. She was in the NICU and sick. I had the hardest time nursing her once she was actually able to eat. At 2 weeks old she went back into the hospital. Also she was my first baby and I had no clue what I was doing.

So I sit here and think this time. Is it really this difficult? This is your 5th child you shouldn't be feeling like this. This should be much easier than the times before. There is nothing I can pin point that is going wrong. It's just my emotions are all out of whack!

So even though nursing is going well I gave my tiny baby her first bottle today. It's hard for me to admit this. There is guilt that seems to go along with this. Why feel guilty? Well because everything that is around me tells me that giving my baby a bottle is cheating her of the special bond she gets with me when she nurses. It tells me that I am giving her second best. So I have come to this place where I feel I need to start this. Part of my hormones being crazy is just having a baby, but also nursing doesn't help your hormones stabilize at all.

Now I have come to this place. Do I do what's best for one child while the others deal with my emotional behavior? I need to do what's best for my whole family. I need to do what's best for all of us in the long run and right now if that means giving my baby a bottle then that's what I need to do. I can't know for sure that this is what will do it. And maybe I will still feel like I am feeling, but it's a step to see. And if this isn't it then I will have to continue to pray about what to do.